Sharing and reacting to negative* feelings, thoughts and emotions is a vital part of our ability to relate to others. Personally and professionally. Many times a day.
And the strange thing is that although most of us have been trained in techniques such as “Active Listening”, “Constructive Feedback”, “Positive Thinking” e.t.c we rarely feel comfortable or neutral in similar situations. And not only that, but there are times we feel that nothing works!
All have been told by our spouses, colleagues, subordinates, kids or friends that we aren’t supportive enough when they need our help to dealing with their nails (=everything concerns them and causes mental pain). Likewise, we feel (consciously or not) the same about our significant others’ ability to react when we are in need. And despite their intentions, we usually end up to experience disappointment, frustration, despair and annoyance among others.
Why are we so bad listeners when it comes to reacting to negative feelings, thoughts and emotions? Why don’t we demonstrate empathy and we feel embarrassment instead? Why do we fail to get closer to others when they experience vulnerability?
Various answers have been expressed. Articles, tips and numerous “secrets” have been stated and posted regarding to soft skills, emotional intelligence, positive thinking e.t.c.
However, in our experience -that is being shaped in our daily work with individuals, groups and teams- the critical factor responds to all the aforementioned questions is our common mistake we – inwards team – call it: attention to symptom.
That means that we focus on the nail (symptom), instead of the sharing of pain. And that can be enough to explain why we fail to be effective. Because one’s need is not about the nail. It’s about the pain!
-Then why do we usually discuss about the nail?
-Because we fear other’s emotions.
-And why that?
-Because we fear our own emotions.
-Why?
-Because we are not aware of them and we don’t know how they work on us. Since we cannot recognize and deal with our emotions, we aren’t able to regulate ourselves when we get exposed to other’s negative feelings, thought and emotions and therefore we choose -sometimes unconsciously- not to be involved. We prefer to go for the nail and we hope we’ll avoid the pain. This is the reason that we tend to switch to solution focused listening and misinterpret the term active listening.
In particular in business, we meet leaders and managers who overestimate their abilities in listening and influencing others and they end up to experience others’ anger, disappointment, aggravation, indignation and rage. On the job feedback, performance appraisals, subordinates complaints and communicating bad news are among others situations where strategic thinking, rational argumentation and the need to control the discussion may cause the opposite effect because they’re all about the nail.
All in all, what we repeatedly see in both coaching and counseling services is that:
- Solution focused listening doesn’t work with others in particular when they need from us to feel them rather than to think better than them.
- Passive listening, combined with sincere interest and uninterrupted presence, can be a much better start than what we use to call active listening.
- Others’ nails cannot make us feeling badly. We feel uncomfortable because we subconsciously face our own inner confusion.
- Inner clarity and correct narration are essential to distinguish feelings and thoughts. When the question is: “How are you feeling?” the answer shouldn’t start with “I think……”,I believe…….”,I suppose…….”,e.t.c Thoughts, beliefs, assumptions and wishes are neither emotions nor feelings.
- Time is a dimension requires consideration. We shouldn’t enter a discussion if we don’t have sufficient time to spend and listen until our partner/ spouse/ colleague/ friend completely stop talking. Remove the “understand….but” dated techniques from your dialogue and don’t rush to make statements. Ask about the pain!
How can I improve my reaction next time I will be dealing with negative thoughts feelings and emotions?
- Firstly, start working with your inner self so that you eventually increase self awareness, and ultimately mindfulness. If you are personally blocked, confused, scared or locked, nothing works. If you repeatedly meet challenges in communication with your significant others then start from yourself – get advised by a trusted adviser: coach, counselor or therapist.
- Every time you start interacting, be passive, silent, yet fully present – let your partner speak
- Start with focusing, discussing and asking about the pain. At this stage, don’t try to fix it. Just listen.
- Try to devote the big part of your dialogue dealing with the pain. – Ask, feel the pain, rephrase and listen.
- Feel the emotional synchronization and the relief you offer (focus on your partner – not on yourself). If not move one step back.
- When you start feeling the emotional change on your partner, stay there until you feel it stable.
- Try to smoothly touch the nail. If you don’t see resistance, start dealing with the nail.
- Beyond this stage solution focused listening does work. Go for solutions, alternatives, plans and rational argumentation.
Attention: Depends on your experience, and the complexity of the situation you may move backward and forward as many times as it is needed.
Why it works:
The magic thing is that listening for feeling –not for solving- activates the mirroring neurons of the brain. The people’s brains get synchronized, synchronization creates connection and connection can potentially swift every “nail” to opportunity to further build our relationships! In life and business alike.
Copyright © 2013 Inwards
* We use the term “negative emotions” to make the text friendlier for the reader. As we’ve seen in a previous newsletter emotions are valuable electro-chemical signals in our brain. They create a spectrum with no opposites among them. (e.g Joy and Sadness aren’t oposites)
We kindly suggest you a powerful and creative video, written and directed by Jason Headley.
